I am almost 40 years old. Time for a midlife crisis.
Actually I have been having a midlife crisis for the last 10 years or more. Unfortunately, it does not seem to be going away.
I made plans for what I wanted to do in my life when I was 18. I even set dates for certain accomplishments. One for when I was 25. One for when I was 30. And One for when I was 32. These were not necessarily good plans, mind you. I was 18 and not a very good thinker. But I had a great passion for my goals.
I stayed "on track" until I was 21. At 21 I hit a road block. I could have gone around it. I could have taken a different route so to speak.
Instead I just stopped. To my shame, I just stopped. Looking back, it is obvious that the road block didn't have to stop me. It wasn't even very big. But I never even tried to continue on.
Well, thats not quite true. I did make one abortive attempt to go on years later. But by then it was no longer the moral choice.
I didn't get into the specifics because this is all just background info for what I wanted to write about.
I don't understand why I can't let this stuff go. It is all old news. All childhood dreams. I have been on a different path for many years now and all I can think about is how I screwed up my life because I didn't stay on that first path. And it isn't even a BETTER path. Not really. Not when I really think about it fairly. It's all just a grass is greener thing.
But it doesn't matter how much I think about it, and try to accept it. It builds up inside of me until I can't take it anymore. I just lose it emotionally. I know I have the rest of my life ahead of me. But I don't know how to reconcile the past. Or let it go.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
A few years back I was playing darts with a gaggle of folk I know. Among these people was my eldest sister. All of us were bored and she came up with a game to spice it up. We played a regular game of 301, but after everyone had a turn throwing, whoever got the highest score for that round gets to ask one person there a question they had to answer honestly. "Truth Darts" was born! Since that day this game has spread to many others and it's hard for me to play darts and not have someone wishing to play it.
One of the standard questions asked is, "If you could change one event in your past, what would it be?". I have found that to be a very difficult question to answer. I usually end up coming up with some tiny detail to my life that I'd change, or maybe something I said to someone that never figured too heavily in my life in the first place.
This shocks a lot of people that know me. I've had some bad stuff happen to me, and I have seen people I care about go through hell on earth. Worse yet, I was a bad person for most of Jr. High... really bad... and hurt a lot of good people. I have made some atrocious lapses of judgment in romantic relationships and as a result unnecessarily caused searing emotional pain in some of the people I have loved the MOST in my life. It literally keeps me up at night, imagining how I would like to think I would NOW act in those situations.
I would never give up those experiences. Good or bad, right or wrong, it's those experiences that have made me who I am.
Whatever path you may have been on, I'm glad you got on the one that crossed mine. You introduced me to a different way of thinking that at the same time felt all too familiar. Objectivism is basically my new philosophical focus, it will be on my thoughts for the see-able future.
Whether I become the poster-child for Objectivism, or mull over it and move on; you have given me insight into the value of rational thought and I thank you.
That is a very nice comment, starhawk. Thanks!
I do believe it has inspired a post that should be up shortly. Not a direct answer or anything but inspired by this comment. I really appreciate you continuing to come back.
Crazyman
Post a Comment