Family

What is a family? Something you are born into? Something you create? A burden to bear? A source of joy?

Is it different for everyone? Can one choose what it is or do you just discover what yours is as you go? Why do people choose to have a family?

What if you don't choose and one happens anyway? Then what? Run? Hide? Bear the responsibility as best one can?

Does one mistake have to destroy the rest of ones life? Or does it take two mistakes?

And what about the bastard that make those two mistakes? Is he forever doomed to a life of hell?

After a certain point, the "what if" of the past is no longer worth pursuing and yet, the pain has not left yet. The debilitating pain that leaves one crumpled in the corner.

Why does it always end in tears. Not a man. Not a soldier. Just a wussy boy crying in the dark. Embarrassed of himself and the worthless fat slob he has become.

Nothing to look back in pride at. Nothing to look forward to being proud of.

Just more pain. and more pills. and more embarrassment.

Faking through one day after another. Making people laugh to stop the tears from flowing.

Always aware that he is just one step away from disappointing someone again. Its just a matter of time.

It is always just a matter of time.

The Sentence

A twenty-five year sentence. Fifteen years in. Only ten to go. The hardest ten. I thought it might get easier. Just accept and let the time flow. But instead it feels like I am in solitary and it just gets worse and worse.

I can’t do it all. I can’t do all the responsibilities by myself. I never could. I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready.

My rock is crumbling. When I couldn’t handle it, she was there. She said we would make it.

My rock is crumbling and there is nothing I can do about it. Now it feels like solitary.

Without a rock to lean on.

So I try ativan. Sorta works. Sometimes doesn’t. Not even when I up the dose. It’s not the same as my rock, that’s for sure.

I’m just getting older.

By the time the sentence is up, what is there left?

Where are the answers? I have looked and looked and looked for answers for fifteen years. Where are the goddamn answers?

aaaahhhh.

It is finaly kicking in. About damn time. 6 mg this time. More than usual.

But at least it worked.